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It's a beautiful day 
Now I'll be okay 
Now that you're not away 
Yesterday was a terrible day 
But now that you're here, I'm okay 
Cuz you don't know how much I 
I need you, please don't go 
You're so wonderful 
This I swear, this I know 

You, oh, you 
Every single thing you do 
I'm so proud of you 
What you do 
When you do the things you do 
They're so you 

So thanks, for your help 
You shine so bright 
You are the star that's in my sky 
And I am yours and you are mine 

Whoa you, whoa you 
Every single thing you do 
I'm so proud of you 
What you do 
When you do the things you do 
They're so you 

And I'm so proud of you 
That's so you

i'd love it if someone would write a song like that for me. =/ 
just once... i dont know anymore. i am kinda over anything that has to do with love. i know 
all i do is bitch about 'love' and how i cant ever find anything good. well. i am DONE. no more.
 nothing. i am finished. i dont want anything to do with love anymore. i am sick and effin 
tired of ANYTHING to do with love. maybe i am happy with how things are right now. maybe 
i am happy being alone. maybe i am happy. maybe. maybe not. i dont know. fuck. i dont know. -_- 
i am not ever going to try. i am just going to sit back and live my life. if you want me. 
you better fucking try your hardest. i am done. finished. NO EFFIN MORE!    

i just cant help it...

i like you. i like you alot. i dont know how to explain this.... i dont know if i even want to. but this is how i feel. i really like you. i like YOU exactly how you are. i wouldnt change anything about you. i wish you could see the good in yourself. i wish i could show you that things dont have to be like they are. i am sure i wont be able to change the whole world. but i will try my hardest. i know i havent known you very long... but you've opened up to me... i've opened up to you. i dont do that. that just isnt me.... i dont tell guys i like them... i dont. but it just came out... you told me you dont want to get close to me... cos we might get weird vibes... would that be all entirely bad? i am not here to push or pressure you... but you are such a great guy... you are such a sweet guy... and i like that about you. i wouldnt want that to change. i like that you have manners!!! damnit! lol. i really really wish you could see that you have a lot to offer!


damnit. damnit. damnit. damnit. damnit. damnit. what the hell am i doing? this isnt me. i dont know what i am doing. -_- i fucking hate what i am turning into. i hate how i am falling for someone that doesnt want me like that. i am sick of this feeling. i am sick of one minute... this person is nice to me... then the next... they arent so nice anymore. what the hell!!!!!!!!!!!! -_- i hate having to sit here and wonder what i shoud be doing. i am trying to be there. but it hurts. it hurts to be standing on the sidelines and try to fix the pieces when i want to BE THERE BE THERE... instead just.. be there as a friend. fuck... i hate crying.

I'll be alone, but maybe more carefree

i hate it when you tell someone you like them (which i've NEVER done) and they just seem to disregard it. -_- like... it doesnt matter. what so ever and they just want the whole 'friendship' thing. -_- sucks. cos... they talk about how they want things to be soooooooo perfect... and to wake up and be with someone. HELLO! i am right here!!!!!!! i may not be so perfect or what have you... but i am me. i am here. i will try my hardest to be the best fucking thing in your life. all i'd want was to see you happy. happy with me. i wish things could be different and i could change the world and make things better. but i cant. i can only be me... and try to make you laugh... and happy. i am so sick of being the 'friend' to mend the broken pieces. give advise when i just want to ball my eyes out... cos you dont want to be with me. you want nothing to do with me like that and it hurts sooooooooo bad. so bad that... i cant stand it. :'( i just hate how things SUCK!!!!!! things should be different. things need to change. things... need to be better than this. bleh. -__- i wish i could be perfect. be what you want. be what could make things differnet. but i guess i cant be that girl. i am just... there. there to mend everything broken. when is it MY turn?! when do i get a freakin break and something good happens to me!!!! when?!?! -_- shit... i just want to cry -_-

Nov. 30th, 2006

damnit. damnit DAMNIT! damnitttttttttttttttt. -_- what the hell is wrong with me? this isn't me. this isn't who i am. this isn't who i am meant to be. i am not this girl i am standing in front of me. its so hard watching my life pass me by while i am standing in the background. i am just there.. watching.. watching myself. watching myself fuck up. watching every single tear. every single mistake. everything. i wish that once i am not just standing in the background. i want to just get in there and live every single second of my life. but fuck. i am so fucking scared. i am scared to fail. i am scared to let everyone down around me. i am scared to dissapoint everyone more than i've already. i wish something would stay constent on my life. i am tired of everyone leaving. i cant keep a single relationship becuase i give up to easy. i know i have a problem with sex. yes. i know. i cant stop. i want to. its not fun anymore. its become just something i feel i have to do. i blow you. we fuck. i drive away in tears. never anything for me. nothing. just once i'd wish that someone wanted to do SOMETHING for me. and not do it just cos i asked. nope. i am just left with the tears and cigs on the way home. driving... just thinking. what the fuck am i doing? each and every time. shit. i am tired of this. i hate myself. i hate what i do. i hate this life. i hate this whole fucking thing! i want to change. i want to start over. i want to get my life straight. i want to... i just want to be a different me. i dont want to push everyone away. i am just use to that. i am tired of not needing anyone. i am tired of lying to myself and saying that everything is ok. i am tired of being... so fucked up that i dont feel i am even worth reparing. shiiit. i dont know whats going on anymore. i meet someone and things are good. things seem to be going somewhat normal. but no. THEY DONT WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE AT ME!!!!!!!!! why is that? do they not see anything in me? fuck. i dont know. i didnt think i was that bad.fuck it. i am done.

why do these eyes of mine cry...?

bleh. well... here i go agian.. bitching about how i am so fucking lame... that i cant find a single boyfriend. lol. am i that bad? is that bad to like me...? or be with me? i dont really know. i never thought i was that bad. perhaps i just give it up too fast. -_- i am pathetic. no one can respect me when they think i dont respect myself and hold out. i hate how no one seems to ever want to take a chance with me. am i not worth the effort? am i so easliy forgotten that it doesnt matter if i am gone by tomorrow? i try so hard to be perfect... but once its all done and over... its like i was never there. i just wish someone would stick around long enough.. to give me a chance. oh well. i really hate crying. -_-

But... inside I am screaming

um. were to i begin. -bleh- i feel really shitty. i dont get why life is so depressing... shit!!! bla bla bla... i know i know! life is what you make of it... i fuckin know this already... BUT... yeh... it just seems like... there are some people that get everything so freakin easy... and other (me and a few people i know) have to struggle at EVERYTHING we do. one bad thing after another happens... when are we going to get a break?! when can we have something simple and easy.... just once!? hm.. i dont know. bleh. i dont know. well... i've pretty much given up on love/relationships and anything along those lines. i am DONE. no more. lol. i just dont get how i put myself out there and all i do is get so fucking hurt. what do i expect?! i give it up to easy. hmm... why?! i dont really know... i think cos i just want them to think.. hm... i really dont know what i want them to think. i just wish for ONCE they wont leave. i tell myself each and EVERY time that i am not going to fall back into my routine. but... once we are together and it feels like things are going so fucking perfect... that i just give in. i slip up... i fuck up.... i do it every single fucking time. right after... i want to just fucking cry... cos i know that once i leave and say goodbye... and go back home.. that i wont hear from them again... :'( shit... lol. i dont know. but ya know... yeah... i am upset... but i am pretty much over it the next day... cos... i've built this wall around me. i pretty much know that each time... that it will happen... so i just prepare myself for it... even before it happens... i just think to myself that they arent going to be around for much longer... and everything will be ok. even when i tell myself that i am not going to give in... it always happens... -_- blah... i dont know. i am just so scared of love... and if i ever do meet someone... i am just going to expect them to leave me... and not know what to do when they do want to stick around. fuckin SHIT! i need a cig... i am done... -_-
well... today was just another day... had a doctor appointment at 9 AM. went to bed at 4ish AM. so right now i am super tired. but i dont feel like sleeping. uh... yeah... well... my doctor extended my leave from work for another 2 weeks. hmm... well.... i dont know. time to get out and look for another job. that would mean i will be off of work for over a month... bleh.. i feel shitty. i came home after my appointment and my dad was giving me shit... 'blabla blabla... you need to just get over this shit. your going to get your car taken away if you dont go back... its all in your head. your 20. your an adult. you dont need to be depressed. YOUR AN ADULT. bla bla bla....' oh... and he said allthese nice things because he LOVES me. lol. so i just left. went driving. had about 1927431924 cigs. listened to Placebo :'( and cried. got a pepsi and just came back. bleh... i dont know. i am just all... FUCKING BLA! lol. silly me. soooo maybe since the doctor uped my MGs of my Lexapro... hopefully i can see if something will change.

break my heart? I'LL BREAK YOUR FACE

well. i am pretty much OVER all my bitching n what not. i havent taken my meds like i should have... but oh well. i hate taking anti-depressents. i dont feel i need to. makes me feel like i need to depend on some lame pill to be happy. anyways. I AM OVER GETTING HURT. fuck this... i am sick and fucking tired of always walking around with a broken heart. from now on... i am just going to thickin the hella outta the guard i put up (more than it already is) but shit... mutha fuckas are going to have to try really fucking hard to get thru me. i am not going to reveal the real me anymore. i just dont care anymore... i hate getting fucked over time and time again. if they want to break my fucking heart... i'll make sure to make them feel like utter shit. they wanna use me..... i'll use them right back. BLAH. oh well. i am over this now. bye.

Sep. 19th, 2006

bah fuck it. this feeling will NEVER go away. i am tired of feeling like this and being lied to. i am NOT stupid and i can see right through the bullshit. so dont try and fool me. it will get you no where. hahah. i dont know. i hate how someone can say such sweet things and i totally fall for it all. believing EVERYTHING said. lol. silly me. i dont know why i thought that this time would be different. yeah... i know i am neat n what not. but apparently... not. you can talk all you want... n whatever... say you miss me a million times. but your actions are not showing that. your actions speak for themselves. i am done. i am over these feelings. i am going to just do my own thing and just fuck it. see... i can do that. i can just say FUCK IT. and actually mean it... cos i just dont care anymore. i am left emotionless. oh well. i am sure it wasnt YOUR intentions. but fuck, it happened. lol. blah. i fucking LOVE FALL/WINTER!!! and i need a cig.


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